Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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