I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
