I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
