i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
