All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
