my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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