On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
