I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
