not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize