Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
only you would photoshop your dick
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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