I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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