You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
