i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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