I can tuck mytits in my pants
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
