Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
