No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
