I am spending my child support on dildos
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
