A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
