I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
