oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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