You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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