If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
