He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
