My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize