This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
