shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
3pm strippers are depressing
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
