I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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