I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
