look no pants
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
