belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
