I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
