i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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