I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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