What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
