Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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