dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
