five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we're making bets on your personal life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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