Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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