a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
