I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
