so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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