In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
