Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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