there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
