Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Randomize
