Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
