The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize