Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
