i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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