I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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