I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just want nice things and good sex
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
