I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
