So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
then he tried to convert me to islam
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
