I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
