Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
