I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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