He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
