How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
