I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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