I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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