I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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